average tech job dot com

Who we're looking for

This is an exciting opportunity to join a fast-growing startup in the tech industry. We are looking for a passionate, talented ass-kisser who doesn’t sleep or talk back and has 17 years of experience. A computer science degree is not mandatory but you will be looked down upon if you do not have one. You will work in a fast-paced environment, where you will be expected to produce exactly 150 lines of code a day, according to crappy specifications written in Excel by a confused boomer. We are hiring for 17 seniority levels from mega junior to expert senior. All of them will be strictly prohibited to make any code design suggestions, except for of course our senior plus expert engineers, whose coffee you will also bring daily.

What we do

Our award-winning architecture is composed of 170 microservices deployed on a gazillion servers. Each microservice uses a different programming languages, except for our most critical ones which of course use Javascript. You will be working on our state-of-the-art AI-powered chatbot for unethical disruption of a well-established industry.

The interview process

Our advanced interview process consists of three stages. Stage one is an automated chatbot which will determine whether or not you are a culture fit with trick questions such as 'Would you mind if a corpotation were to exploit you?'. Stage two is an automated coding challenge consisting of useless and irrelevant puzzles. You will have to enable remote camera access for us to see if you are cheating, and also if you have any leftist books in your room, in which case you will be blacklisted. If you manage to get to stage three you will talk to an actual human, who may offer you equity and our logo tshirt to accept a lesser pay. If you look and talk like him and also humiliate yourself sufficiently we may extend an offer in 1 - 17 business days.

Benefits

We value our employees’ wellbeing. We are remote all the time except for when we aren't. Every Tuesday we do yoga and you are allowed to leave before 8PM on holidays. Our office even has beds for when you are required to work late because someone accidentally clicked a button and our software broke. Our super exciting team buildings feature binge drinking and many other fun activities. When we are profitable in 145 years each employee who has been with the company for more than 14 years will receive a tap on the back.