This is an exciting opportunity to join a fast-growing startup in the tech industry. We are looking for a passionate, talented ass-kisser who doesn’t need rest or talk back and has 17 years of experience. A computer science degree is not mandatory but you will be shot on sight if you do not have one. You will work in a fast-paced environment, where you will be expected to produce exactly 150 lines of code a day, according to crappy specifications written in Excel by a confused boomer. We are hiring for 17 seniority levels from mega junior to expert senior. All of them will be strictly prohibited to make any code design suggestions, except for of course our senior plus expert engineers, whose coffee you will also bring daily.
What we do
Our advanced architecture is composed of 34 microservices deployed on 15 servers. Each microservice uses a different programming languages, except for our most critical ones which of course use Javascript. You will be working on our state-of-the-art data-driven chatbot for unethical automation of creativity.
The interview process
Our advanced interview process consists of three stages. Stage one is an automated chatbot which will determine whether or not you are a culture fit with trick questions such as 'Should the beatings continue until morale improves?'. Stage two is an automated coding challenge consisting of problems unrelated to the job. You will have to enable remote camera access for us to see if you are cheating, and also if you have any leftist books in your room, in which case you will be declared a bad engineer. If you manage to get to stage three you will talk to an actual human, who may offer you equity and a cookie to accept a lesser pay. If you look and talk like him and also humiliate yourself sufficiently we may extend an offer in 1 - 17 business days.
Benefits
We value our employees’ wellbeing. We are remote all the time except for when we aren't. Every Tuesday we have a new-age prayer circle and you are allowed to leave before 8PM on holidays. Our office even has beds for when you are required to work late because someone pushed a supposed bugfix to production and our software broke. Our mandatory team buildings feature chanting capitalist affirmations and many other fun activities. When we are profitable in 145 years each employee who has been with the company for more than 14 years will receive a day off.